I am not trying to justify my act but Its too late, too late for a person having shits in his mind; missusing resources, money, time, energy, care & everything with which all human are blessed.
Being hyper lazy, pessimist, egoistic, introvert, unsocial & a true face of shit, a person like me doesnt deserves a life.
I thought the passing time will bring out the positive out of me but it never happened.
I , axis of my family, their hope, their happiness & bright future.
My father(60+) is still working & its not weird for me now.
My mother all tym crying, praying for me , & i just dont care.
My elder sister tired of preaching me, motivating me & i rewarded her by not taking her call for months.
My younger brother left his graduation in between to earn some grands to support family, so that i can have little shame on my shameless all day eat sleep & No care act.
All in pain , No peace in home, everyone suffering but callous me , No soft feeling, i dont have any feeling for my owns. No pain.
how I have no courage to live a life , i dont know.
When i look back. My consciousness says , i was not lyk this,
i was simple, shy, silly, careful, energetic, decisive & alive.
I never dared to ignore my father.
My mother, my first love , was scripted in my each n every effort.
My sister was my mentor, my secret logger.
My younger brother , my responsibility.
But now it seems that i have been cheating everyone n myself too.
I didnt posed resistance to things of no means & hence the consequences exploded. How can i blame others when i cant control my feelings. I confess am weak, indecisive, coward & cheater of my ownself.
the fruits of life is only for those who dream but dare.
Survival for fittest is the only rule.
My Lust for being apex predator is now not even near grass root level.
I tried,
i tried willingly, unwillingly to stand many times but failed.
I just dont want to be healed.
I want to be left alone, undisturbd & forgotten.
My duties, my responsiblity my loved ones, my dreams. Nothing excites me. I dont have any aim now. I dont want anything. I dont have courage to live a happy life.
I confirm, theres no love issue, no career failure. its all about mental disorder, personal incapabilities, uncontrolled emotions n shitful brain with bad master.
I tried to imagine the things after me. Disaster, A total disaster.
But sickhead is incurable. Urge to end my life is so strong, it blows out my parents face, the void, everything in a jiff.
Its too much.
If i still cant feel this , i deserve to be killed.
Am highly confused. Whats my mind thinks all the time is so weird, stupid, lame & i cant correct this. Havent thought one day i will hv such day. Things which i always used to condemn, is today my reality. I am so much changed that I cant undo.
Before i create more problems from my adamant behaviour & unstable mind. There must be an end. A burden must be freed.
PUNISH ME GOD!!
– 9 MAR 2013
Manish Mystery 